Redskins to the Playoffs!!!!!!! (The "D" is silent)

Somewhere on a cold night at the end of December, Jessica Simpson is laughing. Somewhere Jessica Simpson just finished watching the Cowboys play the Redskins- in a game that determined the NFC East champion- and enjoyed herself. Jessica Simpson is not a Redskins fan (probably) but I think we can be fairly sure that she roots against Tony Romo. If we believe what the tabloids say (and why would we) Romo told Simpson they were never, ever getting back together the day before her 29th birthday.

That was three years ago, but Romo's bad Karma carried over into Landover, MD on the eve of the eve of the New Year. The witchcraft of America's former sweetheart, Simpson, crippled Romo last night as he threw three interceptions. Alfred Morris, the Redskins single-season rushing record-holder, scored thrice and the Redskins won 28-18. D.C., as many a twitter with excitement pointed out, D.C. now stands for Division Champs.

Full disclosure: I haven't seen Django Unchained yet. I want to, like, really badly. I enjoy Quentin Tarantino films and I LOVE Rick Ross:

I saw The Hobbit instead, which is not exactly a terrible movie, just one I had little to not desire to watch. It was no Abe Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (I'm still waiting for my money back), but it wasn't even remotely The Two Towers good. One of my New Years resolutions is to make better movie choices.

As I am writing this I am listening to Django's quasi-theme song, "100 Black Coffins," and it's pumping me up for two reasons: (1) I decided to shell out the $15 necessary to watch Django in theaters later today(!) and (2) the Redskins made the playoffs for the first time five years.

I had planned on writing a game recap, full of armchair analysis and dry, jargon-y language, but then I listened to the Rick Ross song for the 188th time (still fantastic) and took my talents in another direction.

This Rick Ross song is a power anthem. You could triple the length of your run if you blasted this into your ear drums on repeat; you could play this at a house party and start a riot; or you could pay someone lots of money to follow you around to blast this song as your own personal theme music. Either of these would be fine.

I have chosen a different use for the song, however. "100 Black Coffins" will forever remind me of last nights game, just as I have forever associated Avici's "Levels" with fraternity parties. And because that is the case I decided it would be apropos to relive this game through Rick Ross's lyrics.

Great idea or greatest idea?

(Lyrics courtesy of RapGenius):

"I need a hundred black coffins for a hundred bad men
a hundred black graves so I can lay they a-- in
I need a hundred black preachers, with a black sermon to tell
From a hundred black Bibles, while we send them all to Hell"
-This was Alfred Morris' mantra last night while he rushed for 200 yards and scored three touchdowns. He was player of the game and even made a late push for Rookie of the Year consideration. It was because of him, and not RG3, that the Redskins are moving on and the Cowboys are going home. One-by-one he dug the graves that the members of the Cowboys organization will lay in come Monday afternoon (hopefully).

There's Jerry Jones, the most hands-on owner in sports. After Jones commissioned the new Cowboy's Stadium, Stuart Scott quoted a source as saying that the new stadium was "Jerry Jones' personal middle finger to the recession." His ego barely fits in the Dallas metro-area, let alone Cowboys Stadium, and his steadfast refusal to hire a GM (and instead assemble a roster himself) has resulted in ONE playoff win since 1995. The Cowboys will never win again as long as he owns the team. Just as the Rebels destroyed the Death Star at the end of Star Wars, so to must the Cowboys free themselves from the shackles of the Jerry Jones Federation.

There's Sgt. Nicholas Brody Head Coach Jason Garrett. Most of his problems undoubtably come from issues with Jones, but he takes on much of the criticism. Dallas has talent on it's roster, and it is the role of the Head Coach to maximize it and churn out the wins. An 8-8 season in Dallas doesn't cut it especially when they consider themselves contenders every year. He likely will survive to 2013, but a bad start to next season could find him a few spots behind me on the unemployment line.

Then there's Tony Romo. He is 1-6 in "win or go home" games over the course of his career. He threw three picks last night (admittedly because of Jessica Simpson's witch-like ability to force turnovers) and has cemented his reputation as the NFL's least "clutch" player. Statistically he is in the discussion for greatest Cowboy quarterback or all-time, but then you remember he has only won one career playoff game. The rookie quarterback who wins in next weeks Redskins-Seahawks game will tie Romo's record. Congratulations in advance.

The Cowboys under Jones has never been afraid to shake up their roster or make drastic, sometimes rash decisions with personnel. Like the Yankees and Lakers, the Cowboys are always supposed to win and when they don't heads roll. Or, as Jerry Jones might say, there's "a hundred black coffins where I can lay your a-- in."

"Killers coming for you life, all you wanna do is shine?
I broke off the chains only the realest remain
I see your praying to Jesus, but will that help ease the pain?
-RG3. He runs a lot and takes a beating. Last night DeMarcus Ware was coming for RG3's life, but he never touched the guy. Those read option plays the Redskins run from the pistol nullified any impact the linebacker would have on the game. All RG3 wanna do is shine, okay?

Last week Mike Shannahan tightened the grip on his quarterback- he rushed only twice- and ran a more standard pro-style of offense. Yesterday, however, RG3 was more active in the run game and broke off some long runs. More significant than the yards he picked up, in the big picture, was the threat of him running. Like I said before, that read option offense-when done correctly- is tough for a defense to stop. Do RG3 or Morris have the ball? Is it even a run? The defense is left to make split second decisions on who to mark and if they are wrong, like the Cowboys last night, the Redskins can make them pay (274 yards rushing).

Even better for 'Skins fans is how much healthier RG3 looked this week compared to last. He was probably 75% on that hurt knee and was able to get to the outside on some of his rushing attempts last night. He wasn't to keen on taking contact, which is going to be better for his health and safety in the long-term, but he still remained effective. If he continues to heal at this same rate he may be close to 100% by Sunday. The Seahawks have one of the League's top defenses so the Redskins need as healthy an RG3 as they can get.

"Is you a cat or a mouse? Keep them rats out the house"
-This is the part of the post where I shout-out DeAngelo Hall. He played well last night for a guy who only learned to tackle earlier this season. He kept Dez Bryant, who had been ON FIRE in previous weeks, out of the endzone for the first time since Week 9.

"Our revenge is the sweetest, b---- cause I'm coming"
-This is the NFL's best rivalry game that doesn't involve a Manning or a Brady (I don't know any other Brady's but I like the way this sentence sounds). The Cowboys lead the all-time series versus the Redskins 62-42-2 and are 17-9 since 2001. The momentum in this series is poised to shift in the Redskins favor in the coming years as it appears the Romo-led Cowboys are on their last legs while the RG3 'Skins are the League's next big thing. Knowing this feels so good.

I just listened to the song again. I can't tell if I am more excited for the Seahawks or the movie. I'll let you know.

Happy New Years, kids! See you in 2013.